Mistakes

We all make them. As intentional and deliberate as we try to live our lives, we still screw up. One of the hardest things for us to admit is when we are wrong. We want our spouse/partner to admit it. We want them to say "you were right."

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever received were from my friends Kelly and Susie. They have been great role models for me about love and relationships. Even thought our paths haven't crossed much lately, they are and will always dear to me. The piece of advice they gave me was to say to your spouse/partner that "you were right." To be able to say this is be vulnerable and open, to lift up the other person.

However, it is a bit harder to do in a professional capacity for fear of losing face, job, or people to your work. What I find interesting is the more honest and true leaders are in the mistakes they make, the more I respect them. This week, I made a bunch of mistakes, I admitted them and apologized for them. I learned and moved on. That is what is beautiful about life. We always have the opportunity to learn and grow. We can't run away from our mistakes, but face them.

Aspriations

I have all these aspirations! I want to paint my living room and dining room, make stained glass, knit and sew, make mosaics, garden, read, and more....I can't seem to find the time to do all of it. I have a to-do list a mile long at work, a to-do list a mile long at home to clean and keep things organized. I sit on a board of directors for a non-profit and a committee at my coop. Plus, I like to be around people. You could say that I am a bit of an extrovert.

This week, I have been feeling overwhelmed with it all. It is hard to choose between all of the wonderful things I want to and love doing, yet it is exhausting me. Having a husband in school is both fun because he loves what he is doing, but also very hard to be the only one cooking and cleaning, doing the laundry and keeping things organized.

I keep thinking that someday I can work part time and then be able to keep the house in order and do all the things that I love. I am trying to be mindful of not wishing that day to come too fast, but to be in the moment and enjoy this time of exploration that I can do with my time since John is studying.

Aspirations. They are a beautiful thing. Now let me find the time to make them happen.

Clean Shaven

My husband shaved his beard yesterday. He was in the bathroom for a long time, which is very unusual for him. I thought maybe he was cleaning and got very excited. I walked by and said, "What are you doing in there?" And I heard, "Shaving my beard." "Oh." It seems a little early this year to be shaving one's beard. I love beards. I find my husband sexiest when he is scruffy.

I tell John all that time that I love his beard and I am sad when he shaves his beard. He says, "while now you can look forward to the fall and winter." That is not what I want to do when spring hasn't even come yet. I know I will get used to a clean shaven John, but I do mourn the beard.

Kissing a man with a beard is a lot like going to a picnic. If you don't mind going through a little bush to get there!
Minnie Pearl

What a great quote! It made me laugh. Many people are annoyed by going through the bush for a kis, but it is an adventure for me! I like the exploration and the picnic all year long. Alas, I will deal.

Sitting in my living room, listening to the pelting of the ice/rain drops on the window, one wishes for days of sunshine on your face, warm dirt between your toes, tan bodies, cool lake swims.

I am especially wistful for the beauty of summer when the snow begins to melt. Yet before we can get there, the melted snow reveals ugliness and brokenness of our world as it bares the trash strewn all over. As much as the snow tries to cover it up all winter, at some point it becomes bared. As much as I want to curl up and hide the parts of myself that I don't want to be seen or to be vulnerable, the covering usually melts away, barring all to the wide world.

It is usually the ugliest most broken part of me that finds ways to stuff down, to be hidden from view, but what always amazes me is that no one runs scared at the trash that lines a street or my trash lining my life. When one needs acceptance, it surrounds you in ways that cannot be imagine and brings you rays of sunshine that cuts through the cold of winter and reminds you of all the the beauty of life, of the people and experiences to be thankful for in life.

Former Places

When did I get to be old and adultish? Where I go to bed at 9pm on a Friday night? Or my favorite thing is to lay on the couch next to my husband while he sleeps next to me? Like tonight.

Two weeks ago when he was in Midland, MI, for his research work, I went out to an in store concert at the Electric Fetus with the band Tapes n Tapes. Pre-John days I used to go out to concerts all the time. I loved going to First Avenue for $15 concerts or to 400 bar for $5. I keep all my concert stubs so after I came home that night, I was looking through them remembering who I would go with to see a certain band or singer. I was thinking about the time Bryce, Mel, Sarah and I went to see Lucinda Williams and the antics that came of that evening. Let's just say, we ended up in the hospital till 3 am with Bryce who broke his collarbone due to him running into me.

At the Tapes n Tapes instore, I kept looking around and thinking, I don't fit in here anymore. I love music, but is this my place still? I felt so far removed and distant from that past life. I loved the indie rock/alt-country scene in the twin cities. I loved going to see the Jayhawks or Mason Jennings or others. I loved the heat and excitement of the crowd. I loved watching all the heads nodding to the music and people singing along. I loved the Minneapolis icons like Paul Westerburg. I loved being in the music know. Now, I am in the know not. During that evening I kept thinking about how my person hood used to be focused on and tied up in knowing the in band at the moment.

When did this shift? I like knowing about new bands, but it isn't as important to me. It doesn't define me like it used to. Is that what makes me not fit in to that scene anymore? That life doesn't revolve around music. I enjoyed being at the in store, but something didn't feel right.

Music is something that grounds me, that gives words to emotions, gives words to experiences, I used to be so at home and would find community at music shows. As a 31 year old and even as a 20 year old, I knew that the community was surfacy, but now as a 31 year old, I do crave community in a different and more engaging way. The gift of friends with depth and people that know you and care about you is so much better than the beat and the dancing of a concert. A different rhythm grounds me now so I need a different rhythm for community.

So this funny thing happened last night....

How many of you have started a story with that line? Well, it seems to be a line that I use a lot. However, it is not to tell a story about someone else as often happens, but to tell a story about something I or my husband did. We are the king and queen of issues with car, house, or bike, losing things and breaking things. So sit back and listen to this story:

After eating a scrumptious dinner at Luci Andora and enjoying themselves, Heidi and John went home to have some coffee and dessert. However, upon arrival at home, Heidi asked for the keys to the house. John looked in his pockets and realized that he did not have keys. And nor did Heidi. Heidi and John brainstormed what they would do. An idea pops into John's head, "my sister has a key." "Well, let's go get it!" said Heidi. Unfortunately, said key could not be found. "Well," says Josh, brother-in-law, "you can stay the night." Phew, they said. After a good night's sleep, they woke up, played with cute niece Grace, ate breakfast, thanked their family for saving them from the cold and then headed home. Luckily, they were able to get in. I won't tell you how, but it took 2 minutes. It was a funny, unexpected night. Now Heidi and John will never ever lock themselves out again. The End.

So, I would normally freak out in these types of situations. However, I am now finding them to be extremely funny. I had a good laugh. John did not find this as funny as I did.

I have found that as I get older and as I am with John longer, I have mellowed about losing things or breaking things or having things stolen. His presence in my life has continually reminded me that life is not about stuff or how much money we have, but about loving each other, treating each other well, being hospitable to the stranger, being generous, and sharing joy.

Thank you to our family for caring for us overnight. We are grateful for such loving people in our lives that help us. I used to always feel bad about asking for help, for impinging on someone else, but that is what being in relationship is about. Loving each other and caring for one another.

Resolutions for the New Year

Happy New Year! Welcome 2011. John and I ushered it in with friends playing games: pass the pigs and Hugger Mugger. A great evening and a good first day.

With a new year, a new beginning. One cannot help thinking about what the last year has brought and what one wants to create in the new year for their life. I often think that resolutions can be trite: I want to lose weight, I want to eat better, I want to budget my money better. But so often we make these resolutions without really thinking about how to live them out. I was reading an article on the Real Simple website that discussed having everything ready before the new year hit. So, if you want to lose weight, what does that mean and how will you stick with it?

Instead of concentrating on "doing" resolutions, I want to focus on "being" resolutions.

Here is what I am resolving for 2011:
1. I want to create space in my life for taking care of myself by spending time each week to do the things I love: reading, writing, yoga, stained glass, knitting, or more.
2. To not over-schedule myself at work or at home, to pay attention to my time.
3. To focus on the relationships in my life that keep me grounded and give me wholeness.

My excitement for 2011 is to discover more deeply how I am in the world and I want to be in the world. I am looking forward to it in all its joys, sorrows, challenges, experiences and adventures. May it be a year of learning and a year to remember!