Sitting in my living room, listening to the pelting of the ice/rain drops on the window, one wishes for days of sunshine on your face, warm dirt between your toes, tan bodies, cool lake swims.

I am especially wistful for the beauty of summer when the snow begins to melt. Yet before we can get there, the melted snow reveals ugliness and brokenness of our world as it bares the trash strewn all over. As much as the snow tries to cover it up all winter, at some point it becomes bared. As much as I want to curl up and hide the parts of myself that I don't want to be seen or to be vulnerable, the covering usually melts away, barring all to the wide world.

It is usually the ugliest most broken part of me that finds ways to stuff down, to be hidden from view, but what always amazes me is that no one runs scared at the trash that lines a street or my trash lining my life. When one needs acceptance, it surrounds you in ways that cannot be imagine and brings you rays of sunshine that cuts through the cold of winter and reminds you of all the the beauty of life, of the people and experiences to be thankful for in life.

Former Places

When did I get to be old and adultish? Where I go to bed at 9pm on a Friday night? Or my favorite thing is to lay on the couch next to my husband while he sleeps next to me? Like tonight.

Two weeks ago when he was in Midland, MI, for his research work, I went out to an in store concert at the Electric Fetus with the band Tapes n Tapes. Pre-John days I used to go out to concerts all the time. I loved going to First Avenue for $15 concerts or to 400 bar for $5. I keep all my concert stubs so after I came home that night, I was looking through them remembering who I would go with to see a certain band or singer. I was thinking about the time Bryce, Mel, Sarah and I went to see Lucinda Williams and the antics that came of that evening. Let's just say, we ended up in the hospital till 3 am with Bryce who broke his collarbone due to him running into me.

At the Tapes n Tapes instore, I kept looking around and thinking, I don't fit in here anymore. I love music, but is this my place still? I felt so far removed and distant from that past life. I loved the indie rock/alt-country scene in the twin cities. I loved going to see the Jayhawks or Mason Jennings or others. I loved the heat and excitement of the crowd. I loved watching all the heads nodding to the music and people singing along. I loved the Minneapolis icons like Paul Westerburg. I loved being in the music know. Now, I am in the know not. During that evening I kept thinking about how my person hood used to be focused on and tied up in knowing the in band at the moment.

When did this shift? I like knowing about new bands, but it isn't as important to me. It doesn't define me like it used to. Is that what makes me not fit in to that scene anymore? That life doesn't revolve around music. I enjoyed being at the in store, but something didn't feel right.

Music is something that grounds me, that gives words to emotions, gives words to experiences, I used to be so at home and would find community at music shows. As a 31 year old and even as a 20 year old, I knew that the community was surfacy, but now as a 31 year old, I do crave community in a different and more engaging way. The gift of friends with depth and people that know you and care about you is so much better than the beat and the dancing of a concert. A different rhythm grounds me now so I need a different rhythm for community.

So this funny thing happened last night....

How many of you have started a story with that line? Well, it seems to be a line that I use a lot. However, it is not to tell a story about someone else as often happens, but to tell a story about something I or my husband did. We are the king and queen of issues with car, house, or bike, losing things and breaking things. So sit back and listen to this story:

After eating a scrumptious dinner at Luci Andora and enjoying themselves, Heidi and John went home to have some coffee and dessert. However, upon arrival at home, Heidi asked for the keys to the house. John looked in his pockets and realized that he did not have keys. And nor did Heidi. Heidi and John brainstormed what they would do. An idea pops into John's head, "my sister has a key." "Well, let's go get it!" said Heidi. Unfortunately, said key could not be found. "Well," says Josh, brother-in-law, "you can stay the night." Phew, they said. After a good night's sleep, they woke up, played with cute niece Grace, ate breakfast, thanked their family for saving them from the cold and then headed home. Luckily, they were able to get in. I won't tell you how, but it took 2 minutes. It was a funny, unexpected night. Now Heidi and John will never ever lock themselves out again. The End.

So, I would normally freak out in these types of situations. However, I am now finding them to be extremely funny. I had a good laugh. John did not find this as funny as I did.

I have found that as I get older and as I am with John longer, I have mellowed about losing things or breaking things or having things stolen. His presence in my life has continually reminded me that life is not about stuff or how much money we have, but about loving each other, treating each other well, being hospitable to the stranger, being generous, and sharing joy.

Thank you to our family for caring for us overnight. We are grateful for such loving people in our lives that help us. I used to always feel bad about asking for help, for impinging on someone else, but that is what being in relationship is about. Loving each other and caring for one another.

Resolutions for the New Year

Happy New Year! Welcome 2011. John and I ushered it in with friends playing games: pass the pigs and Hugger Mugger. A great evening and a good first day.

With a new year, a new beginning. One cannot help thinking about what the last year has brought and what one wants to create in the new year for their life. I often think that resolutions can be trite: I want to lose weight, I want to eat better, I want to budget my money better. But so often we make these resolutions without really thinking about how to live them out. I was reading an article on the Real Simple website that discussed having everything ready before the new year hit. So, if you want to lose weight, what does that mean and how will you stick with it?

Instead of concentrating on "doing" resolutions, I want to focus on "being" resolutions.

Here is what I am resolving for 2011:
1. I want to create space in my life for taking care of myself by spending time each week to do the things I love: reading, writing, yoga, stained glass, knitting, or more.
2. To not over-schedule myself at work or at home, to pay attention to my time.
3. To focus on the relationships in my life that keep me grounded and give me wholeness.

My excitement for 2011 is to discover more deeply how I am in the world and I want to be in the world. I am looking forward to it in all its joys, sorrows, challenges, experiences and adventures. May it be a year of learning and a year to remember!

Happy New Year - Asian Style

According to Francy McAllister, there is a tradition in Japan that before New Year's you clean your house from top to bottom or from bottom to top, if you prefer. She was right! I googled it (a wonderful thing) and discovered Mrs. G, who two years ago posted on her blog that this is a tradition. For her most helpful post, please see: http://www.themrsg.com/2008/12/oosouji-japanese-new-year.html.

This week, while Harry and Francy were here, we cleaned and organized the basement and discussed the need for shelves. Oh, it was fantastic! We got rid of stuff, we organized things. Now, easy to find and easy to put away. Plus, we had cleaned before they got here so our living areas and bedrooms were nice and clean. It is beautiful. I have a clear work table for my stained glass. No excuses to not make stained glass, right?

I find that I am a much calmer, rational, happy individual if my house is not a mess. When the house becomes a JOB to take care of all the clutter and to clean, that is when it becomes so overwhelming and totally clouds my emotions and stresses me out. A Happy Heidi=A Clean House. I get this from my mom. Although, I don't get cranky before company comes like she does. :) LOVE you, Mom!

Tonight, John and I are cooking Thai Green Curry with Tofu and veggies. It is my favorite kind of curry, but yet I don't eat it very often. It is a wonderful flavorful dish. And easy! A resolution: to eat more Thai Green Curry. A yummy way to ring in the New Year.

Good curry with a clean house. A Happy New Year indeed!

Traditions

Tradition: Noun.
1 : an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (as a religious practice or a social custom) b : a belief or story or a body of beliefs or stories relating to the past that are commonly accepted as historical though not verifiable

2 : the handing down of information, beliefs, and customs by word of mouth or by example from one generation to another without written instruction

3 : cultural continuity in social attitudes, customs, and institutions

4 : characteristic manner, method, or style tradition>

John and I have discovered that we both LOVE our traditions. Thankfully, our traditions somewhat work together. This year, it worked out that each of our Christmas traditions were celebrated.

My family's big traditions happen on Christmas Eve and early Christmas morning. The festivities begin at the early church service. This year John and I went to Grace, which I really love. I am thankful that my family was able to work around us going to Grace. I love celebrating with my church family and then going to my birth family. We got to my parent's farm and ate dinner. Yummy Lutefisk and Lefse with Swedish meatballs, sweet potatoes, corn pudding, and more. Following dinner, we read the Christmas story and then say the Lord's Prayer. After that, we open our gifts to each other. We go to bed and wake up to our stockings filled. We open them and then have a egg breakfast with a Swedish tea ring, coffee, juice and fruit.

This year, following breakfast, John and I left to partake in his family's traditions. We arrived at his sister's house and began to open our big presents to each other. Then, we ate breakfast of an egg dish, Christmas bread, Patisa, and finished with our stocking gifts. We spend the afternoon together and then in the evening, we had an appetizer of Tortellinis, then a meal of steak, stuffed peppers with sweet potatoes, salad, and Lefse (which I brought into the evening). We drank Martinis, Cosmos, and Wine.

Why do we hold onto our traditions so much? My niece and nephews cannot stand to have their traditions broken. My family dared to think about not going to the Holidazzle this year and the kids (mostly Annica) could not understand why we would break this tradition!

There is something comforting and easy about traditions. I find they help me to celebrate, they give me certainty and steadiness in a world that can seem out of control. Traditions provide me with beauty and joy.

John and I are beginning to create our traditions that come with creating a new family. It is exciting to think about our own in addition to the ones that were created for us. It is based on our own preferences, experiences, and choices.

A little Christmas Love....

If baby Jesus was born in 2010, this is how it would happen:

http://gizmodo.com/5713793/the-birth-of-jesus-according-to-gmail-facebook-and-foursquare

Christmas has now been digitalized. I don't know how I feel about this, but I do find this video pretty ingenious!